Talent Show
by TheGreatBlonde
Summary: What happens when you get a couple of crazy kids mixed in with their favorite bishies? One messed up talent show.


The curtains opened and a girl in a tuxedo was standing on the middle of the stage. Spotlights were shining down on her as she smiled at the crowd. "Ladies and gentlemen!" she announced loudly, still smiling. Then, as an after thought, she added; "And Steve." 

The boy named Steve glared at her from backstage. "Hey!"

The girl ignored him and continued with her speech. "My name is Lauren. Welcome to the First Annual Boarding House Talent Show!"

Lauren did not get the reaction she had been expecting. Instead of cheering, the crowd 'booed' and hissed. Lauren sniffled. "That wasn't nice…" she said.

"Just ignore them," Kurama called from the rafters.

Lauren, once again cheerful, started once again. "Please enjoy the show! For our first act, we have Steve doing Algebra in Latin!"

From somewhere in the audience, crickets chirped.

Steve came out on the stage, as Lauren was leaving, in a top hat and a cape. "For this act, I must first… learn Algebra… and Latin! Give me five minutes!" he said, sitting down on the stage. An Algebra book magically appeared in his hands.

"You'll need this, stupid!" Tara shouted. She threw a book on Latin at him. The book, however, bounced of Steve's hair and hit Chester in the face. Chester screamed and began to run around in circles. The audience watched in horror as Sara and Alex tried to calm him down. "My face!" he shouted.

Five minutes later, Steve stood up, looking very proud of himself. "After extensive research," he announced, looking around. "I have come to a conclusion!"

"What is it?" the audience asked.

"I… can't… do it!"

Tara once again threw a book at Steve. This time, it was a giant math book. "You're in low math dumb ass!"

"Maybe if you actually did your homework," Sara added.

Lauren came back onto the stage. "Thank you Steve," she said, shoving him off. The curtains closed just as she was leading him off. "Next up is… umm…"

The curtains reopened to reveal a bucket of water. The bucket jiggled slightly and water sloshed out, causing the audience to cheer wildly.

"Thank you Water Bucket! Now we have a commercial break!"

"Lauren," Kurama said, trying to remain calm. "This is a talent show. We can't have a commercial break!"

It was too late. Sara and Hiei came on stage, talking. They didn't know what they were getting into unfortunately.

"Action!" Lauren cried, appearing in the center isle of the audience in her directors hat with a camera.

Hiei and Sara just stared at her. "What?" Sara asked.

"Shit, I had a line!" Hiei said. "I can't remember what it was!"

This show was beginning to turn everyone insane. "Just say something," Sara hissed, glaring at the camera.

Hiei thought for a moment and smiled at her evilly. "Be sure to drink your Ovaltine."

"It builds strong bones!" Edward said, showing off his metal arm. The audience stared at him with wide eyes. Sara only twitched.

Following them, Alex and Steve walked to the center of the stage. "Alex and Steve here to tell you the wonders of-"

"Butt floss!" Steve interrupted.

"That's right! This wonderful product known as-"

"Butt floss!"

"Is available in a store near you! We aren't sure what it's for, but it's a great product! So buy-"

"Butt floss!"

"Today!"

They left the audience once again staring at them as if they were insane. Of course, Alex and Steve were used to that.

"Welcome back!" Lauren shouted from the back of the auditorium. "Next up is…"

Before she could finish the sentence, however, Vergil walked across the stage eating a sandwich.

"Apparently Vergil!" Lauren said, never once becoming discouraged.

Vergil swallowed and looked at the crowd as if he was just noticing them. "Umm… I have a sandwich!" he said, right before a custodian pushing a broom crashed into him. Vergil and the custodian were fine. The sandwich, however, went flying.

"M-my sandwich. It was c-cheese and ham. My- my favorite." He glared at the custodian. Just then, another sandwich appeared in his hand. Vergil smiled and walked off the stage.

"Okay," Lauren said, walking back on stage. "Next up is Tommie and the Tree Squirrels!"

"Lauren," Sara called from a balcony. "You're a Tree Squirrel!"

Lauren gasped. "I am! I need to get ready!"

While she was getting ready, the other squirrels set up the stage. Lauren ran back and the squirrels began to play horribly.

Hiei shuddered and looked at Chester, who was covering his ears. "I think my eardrums are bleeding."

Erica, one of the squirrels, announced that it was time for the guitar solo. Tommie began to play louder than the others.

"Hey!" Alex shouted, kicking her. "That was my solo!" This, of course, caused a fight to break out.

"Stop you idiots!" Sara shouted, unplugging the microphones. No one listened to her. "QUIET!" Utter stillness followed.

Kurama, trying to draw the attention away from what was happening with the Tree Squirrels, walked across the stage, reciting poetry. "To the jingling of the bells… bells… bells… bells… bells… to the moaning and the groaning of the bells."

Alex stepped in front of him and rang a bell. Suddenly, a body dropped from the ceiling. Everyone stared at it with wide eyes. This included Water Bucket.

"Sara! They're dead! Dead person shirt!" Alex said, sounding way too excited about it.

Sara ran and took the shirt off the body. She sniffed it and hugged it close to her. "Mmm… death…"

Those in the audience close to her backed away slightly. Lauren was completely oblivious to these events and announced the next contestant.

Hiei walked onto the stage and glared at the audience. "Clap damn it." Sara was the only one who clapped. "Or else," he added. This caused the audience to clap loudly. A group of little kids ran up to him, cheering and laughing. "It's the Ovaltine man!" they shouted. "Hi Ovaltine man!" Hiei twitched.

The group of kids were completely oblivious to their impending doom and cheered again. The children were suddenly chopped up. Everyone looked at Hiei, who hid his katana behind his back. "What?" he asked, innocently.

"Next!" Lauren shouted.

Bryan, a boy with bright red hair rode onto the stage on a unicycle. "I call him Uni!" he shouted. "Watch what I can do!" He began to juggle four chainsaws. Unfortunately, he missed a chain saw and it cut his head off. The head flew into the audience. "Could someone do me a favor and throw me back on stage?" it asked. Someone threw it back. Water Bucket jumped and caught the head. "I can't swim!" Water sloshed out, trying to alleviate the stress on the head.

"Someone grab the body!" Sara shouted as she removed the head from the bucket. Kurama grabbed the body and dragged it off the stage.

"Don't argue with her!" Alex said.

The severed head in Sara's arms coughed. "Don't worry about me. I'm fine. Just put me in a cooler and hand me a beer."

"You're under age!" Sara shouted, following Kurama off the stage. "Besides, how would you drink it!"

Lauren cleared her throat. "Next up is Link!" She said, clapping. Leave it to Lauren to direct everyone's attention back to the task at hand.

Link, being a man of few words, walked out from behind the curtains and posed victoriously for all to see. The audience went wild. Link smiled and left. Only to be faced with ridicule.

"That was your act?" Vergil asked, laughing. "Oh, you'll be hard to beat, that's for sure."

Link frowned and Chester jumped to the rescue. "Leave him alone!" he said. "His act was better than yours. All you did was eat a sandwich." Before Vergil could even respond, Chester had taken Link's hand and was leading him to the changing rooms.

"That wasn't my act!" Vergil shouted after them.

"I'm up next!" Steve shouted.

"You already went," Sara shouted back.

Steve didn't care. He ran and did a back flip onto the stage. The audience was very impressed. All, that is, but one. From out of nowhere, as things tended to come from at the Boarding House, a shoe flew and hit him on the head. This time, however, it did not bounce off. "OW!" Steve cried, rubbing his head. Then, he stuck his tongue out at the audience. "I'm next!" he said again.

That finally sunk into everyone and a groan rang through the crowd. Steve, not to be discouraged, ignored them and proceeded with his act. "I will now… magically copy Sara's homework! (Seeing as how he's so good at it) My lovely assistant will now bring me Sara's homework. Sara!"

Sara walked over to him, dressed in a sparkling kimono. She glared at the audience. "Oooh…" she said, sarcasm very evident in her tone. "Isn't this exciting."

One of the men, or women (this fact was never clear) whistled at her. Unfortunately for them, Sara had come prepared. She threw a knife into the audience, not really caring where it landed or who it hit. "Try that again," she muttered, handing Steve her homework. "I need this by tomorrow for History."

Steve beamed at her. "Don't worry. I'll be done before you know it. I always am."

Sara just frowned and disappeared in a puff of purple smoke. Steve sat down at the table that had magically appeared, (Again, this happened a lot) and proceeded to copy the homework.

Five minutes later, he was done. Steve stood up and waved the homework around triumphantly. "Behold the finished homework!" The audience cheered as he walked off stage. Though, whether this was because he was finished or he was leaving was another thing the Boarding House family never could figure out. For Steve's sake, however, they pretended the applause was for a job well done.

"Why does Steve get to go twice?" Alex asked the others backstage. "Because he's Steve," various members responded. Alex only rolled her eyes.

An old man, who looked very lost stumbled onto the stage. "Howdy young folks!" he called, tipping his hat to the audience. Steve, who had the attention span of a gnat, smiled widely and tackled the poor old man. "Old guy!" he shouted. "YAAAHHHH!"

Sara sighed and pulled him up. "You idiot. Leave him alone."

Steve sniffled. "Old guy…"

Hiei walked over to help with restraining Steve. "How did I get sucked into this again?" he asked Sara, who only shrugged. The old man, having gotten up, stared at them. "You two look oddly familiar."

"Why?" Sara asked. She was pretty sure she had never met him before. She turned to Hiei for help.

"I know!" the old man shouted. "You're the Ovaltine Man!"

Hiei looked like he wanted to throttle the old man. Sara and Kurama wisely held him back, leaving Steve free to, once again, terrorize someone. He picked Hiei. "Ha! The Ovaltine Man!" he shouted, laughing hysterically. Hiei turned his attention to Steve.

"No!" Kurama said.

"Actually… that wouldn't be a bad idea," Sara said, letting go of Hiei.

"Sara!"

Edward joined the group before things could get out of hand. "Did someone call for the Ovaltine Man?" he asked.

"You aren't the Ovaltine Man," Lauren said. "Wait… what is Ovaltine?" No one had an answer. They all looked at each other in silence, hopping someone knew.

"Does it matter?" Alex finally asked.

"Well… no…"

"Okay then."

Kurama smiled at Sara. "You're next on the list."

Sara took the clipboard from him. "So I am…" She paused. "I don't have an act."

"Don't worry. We'll find you an act." They left the stage.

Alex sniffled. "Kurama…"

Hiei continued the drama. "Sara…"

"No!" they both shouted.

"Oh calm down," Lauren said. "They'll be back. But, since Sara is off with Kurama… Ed! You can go next!"

"Alright! I shall perform Alchemy!" He waved his hand and red sparks flew around in the air, causing the audience to 'oooh' and 'ahhh'. Edward smiled and bowed. "Thank you."

(Meanwhile, in the clutter of the changing room)

"There's got to be something here," Sara muttered, opening Steve's trunk. She quickly slammed the lid shut.

"What was in there?" Kurama asked.

"You don't want to know."

"Alright… Oh! Here's something for you to do!"

(Back on stage)

"I've got something!" Sara shouted, running back to the middle of the stage. She had finally traded out the kimono for her typical black clothes. "I'm going to sing you all a song."

Yuusuke appeared in the crowd in a vendor's hat. "Ear plugs! Ten dollars a pair!"

Sara threw a knife at him, but he dodged. She rolled her eyes and began to sing. Everyone listened intently, mesmerized. When she was finished, there was absolute silence. "Clap damn it," she growled. The crowd cheered loudly.

"What song was that?" Lauren asked. "I've never heard it before."

"The Hokey Pokey," Sara told her.

"Really?" Steve asked, sounding very excited.

"No."

Alex smiled. "I recognize it! It was the Phantom of the Opera!"

"Oh my God! It was!" Lauren said. "I love you!"

A mysterious man dressed as the Phantom came out. "I am the Phantom of the Opera!" he said. "And I much approve."

Sara smiled at him before checking her clipboard. "Alright, who keeps putting in these commercial! I'm running out of ideas!"

"Think of something quick," Hiei said as the curtains closed.

The curtains opened and Sara and Kurama walked out in dresses.

"Why am I in a dress?" Kurama asked.

"This is the commercial," Sara said, handing him a script. "Here."

"What a lovely day for a stroll," Kurama read from the script. He looked up to see Hiei running towards them.

"You aren't supposed to be in a dress, fool."

Sara and Kurama reread the script. "Oh…" they both said. Kurama quickly changed into his regular clothes. "Is this better?"

Hiei nodded and calmly left the stage. Sara checked her watch. "We have three seconds to do this. Go!"

She and Kurama quickly rushed through the script. "So buy Chocolax today!" Kurama finished, slightly out of breath. The curtains closed, leaving the audience to alone to absorb the following conversation:

"Chocolax?" Kurama asked Sara.

"Don't look at me like that!" she said. "I didn't write it!"

"It was me," Steve told them. "I wrote it!"

Lauren stuck her head through the curtains. "We are not responsible for what is about to happen. Just as she said that, Steve flew through from behind the curtains. "Look, I can fly!" he cried. Sara stepped out and pulled a gun from her belt. "No, you can't," she said, aiming and firing at him. Steve fell with a thump on a member of the audience. Sara quickly followed and dragged him backstage, most likely to finish the job. There were some scrambling noises behind the curtains and they opened to reveal a girl that none had seen before.

"My name is Crystal!" she said. "And I'm selling dynamite!" To prove this, she held up a stick of dynamite. "See it in all it's redness glory!"

"Just get on with it!" Alex shouted from backstage.

"Right! This dynamite is only $6.95 a stick! Here's how it works! Bryan!"

Bryan, who everyone had presumed to be dead, walked out with his head taped on sideways. He lit the dynamite and held it up for all to see. "Here."

The stick exploded.

"God damn it Bryan!" Sara shouted. "What were you thinking!"

"Well… right now I'm thinking I'm in a million tiny pieces."'

"Sara," Kurama said, calm as ever. "It was in the script."

"That's it!" Sara yelled. (she does that a lot) "I'm through with this! Someone find me the author! Who wrote it! I'll-" she stormed off, still yelling.

"Oh dear…" Kurama said as he began to pick up Bryan's pieces.

"Put me in a bucket," Bryan muttered. "I'll be fine."

"HA!" Sara said, holding up a sack as she walked back over to the small group that had gathered to help Kurama. "Witness the demise of the author of this script! Well… not really…" she paused. "From now on, we're doing this our way!"

"Yeah!" Lauren cheered, ripping up her script.

"I was kidding," Sara said.

"Oh…"

The others shook their heads.

"So?" Hiei asked. "Who wrote this horrible thing?"

Sara smiled and dumped the contents of the bag onto the stage. Enzo's body tumbled out, much to Alex's enjoyment. "Mmph. Mmph! Mmph!" he said. Of course, no one could understand him as he was gagged and bound.

"Okay," Bryan said. He had already been pieced back together. "Why did you want me dead?"

"Mmmmmph. Mmph!"

"What?"

"Who cares?" Sara asked. "I say we put him out of his misery."

Koenma appeared then and frowned at Sara. "You can't kill him," he said before disappearing again.

"Why does he care about him and not me?" Bryan whined.

"It isn't like he would find out," Hiei muttered.

"I would prefer it if she didn't test that theory," Kurama told him.

"Actually," Sara said. "I'm sort of curious." She began to walk towards Enzo, who tried to scoot away from her. "Mmmmmmmmph! Mmmmphy!" he cried. Again, no one could understand him.

"I think he said 'Next!'" Lauren said.

"You tore the script up," Alex said. "We don't know who's supposed to go next!"

This caused everyone to run around, sans Enzo, trying to find a script that had yet to suffer Lauren's wrath.

"Oh screw it!" Bryan shouted after ten minutes of searching. He walked over to Enzo and ripped the duct tape off of his mouth. Enzo screamed in pain. "Oh, suck it up. Be a man," Bryan told him.

"Don't hurt him…" Kurama said.

"Much," Sara added.

"It's my turn!" Vergil said, walking onto the stage. He brandished his sword like the bad-ass he was and waved it around. "I need a volunteer."

"Why?" Lauren asked.

"So I can kick their ass at sword fighting," Vergil told her.

Sara and Lauren smiled at each other. "We'll be your opponent," they said. "And we'll win!"

Vergil snorted. "We shall see." They all took fighting stances.

"This will be interesting," Hiei said.

The fight began, with Vergil quickly gaining the upper hand having fought his brother, who was quite good, many times and having much more experience than the girls.

Just when he was about to finish the girls off, however, Bryan tripped on a sand bag. Vergil, in turn, tripped over Bryan and was sent sprawling to the ground. Sara and Lauren held their swords to his throat. "Damn," Vergil muttered.

"I say we help him up," Lauren said, reaching out her hand.

"You cheated!" Vergil shouted.

"We did not," Sara said.

Lauren stepped in before a fight could break out. "We'll have another fight later, when no one is around."

Long cleared his throat. "We're out of acts. Everyone left."

"How?" Lauren asked. "I mean… why?"

Enzo smiled. "It was in the script."

Sara screamed bloody murder and proceeded to beat him to a pulp.

The curtains closed and reopened. No one was on stage this time. From the rafters, Lauren spoke up. "We have tallied the votes and the winner is…" A drum roll started up, drowning Lauren out as she announced the winner. "Stop!" she shouted. The drum roll stopped. "Thank you. The winner is… Link!"

Link stepped onto the stage and bowed.

"He didn't even have a real act!" Vergil shouted. "Water Bucket had a better performance!"

"It was close enough," Sara told him.

"No it- oh screw it."

The curtains closed.


End file.
